My Think Tank

I ALWAYS TOUCH MY CHIN WHEN THINKING

I had a premonition the other night.  Maybe I shouldn't use that word, since it would invoke thoughts of a not-so-great 2007 movie staring Sandra Bullock.  I have to admit that I giggle every time I hear her name, maybe it's the British humour in me.



I needed a new idea, a fresh, vibrant moment of brilliance that would have huge dividends to my spiritual walk.  Like I have always said, "Good Pastors live off the tithe, but great Pastors rake in massive cash with residual income."  And that, my friends, is why books, CD's, and a gift shop is a much needed asset in my church.

DIVIDENDS 

So, I set aside some time to think about this issue.  Actually, I had Doug, a volunteer staffer sit down and formulate a plan to make me the money I needed.  I, unfortunately, had a golf tournament I simply could not reschedule.  Anyway, Doug put much thought and effort into my little plan and I believe what has transpired is a what I'd like to call my "money trough".  

DOUG
(Don't ask how he took this)

A very simple plan when looking at the grand scheme, this venture has the potential to rake in huge bucks.  Now, some may say that a Pastor has no business actually doing business.  And to that I'd like to say that I am not actually going to be "doing" anything except receiving royalties on the sale of my items that my staff will collect and write about.  As these are all volunteers, they are willing to go the extra mile for me.

In the mean time, I am placing most of my efforts into spreading our wonderful message through our website at freefromcults.com, and our weekly services.  

Much of the effort in preparations for these sermons, teachings and other events are also mostly done by my devoted staff.  Their hard work and countless hours enables me to be the best at what I do.  Since I am the one with the anointing placed on me, there is no reason why I should exhaust extra energy doing what volunteers do, know what I mean?

SERMON PREP IS EXHAUSTING

One does not simply plop down in a chair to spend hours upon hours on the internet without something to show for it.  With a staff like I have, you can be sure they scour the internet for the bits and pieces of information that makes up one of my sermons.

WE DON'T DO THIS

You could say that most of my material comes right off sites that did all the work already, but to say that would be to admit to using others; work, which we simply don't participate in.  On the other hand, with my gift of oration, perhaps others have missed the flair and pizzazz that a Rotchtickles sermon can give.
I know I often make my teen girl bible study students quiver often, just by the sound of my voice.

It's not easy having the gift.


When you boil it all down to the bare bones, the more money that flows into me, the more of my anointing you get onto you.  

Mo' money = mo' preachin'

Please don't let the preaching cease.  Stand up, do your part.  Get a second job if you have to.  Sell some family heirlooms to generate tithing cash.
This message that I bring must not be silenced!  It's up to you.  Now, get to work, I have to get going for long awaited extended weekend away with some of my students, for a field trip to Miami.  

Blessings!

Pastor Mike

I Had a Dream!

I had this crazy dream last night. It was really intense.
Please read carefully:
It started off with me and a couple of prostitutes...and there was a crowd of people nearby us.

All of a sudden there was this crocodile, though it was a man at first and I was speaking to him, and then he went on all fours and became an ancient crocodile? I felt this instinct to back away, and just knew something big was going to happen.

Then this light appeared near it, and I yelled for everyone to escape...and just before we started to, the crocodile turned into an pimp dressed in a suit. He was pure Evil...like the beast in the Apocalypse in human form!

NOT QUITE THIS BIG

Very scary, and as we ran, I and saw that he vaporized the crowd up just with his eyes. It was like an atomic explosion...and we kept running. My old girlfriend was there for some reason, and it was like we were still together...though I haven't seen her in over 9 months now.

We hid in this house that was there, and re-grouped. Took whatever supplies we could find and tried to formulate a plan. Then we left the house and kept moving.

I turned around at one point and just saw him running towards us at super speed. There were explosions in the background, but he was running like superman...and he came straight for me. I got the impression that I was somehow important and a threat to him? As he came for me, I stuck my leg out and tripped him just as the whole area exploded...and dove to the ground.

Then he was gone, once the smoke had cleared, and the group were still all there.

There was some sort of kit he had left for us, and we had to assemble it, like it was a test or something? It turned out to be quite elaborate and was like a table that went on top of a bed made of wood. There were some other parts to it, that I can't recall now...but just as we were finishing it off, I got this deeply disturbing feeling that it was all just a decoy, to distract us from something else he was about to do...

When I noticed the sticky pillows, the stained sheets, and piles of anal lube tubes, I knew what was about to take place.

IMAGINE ABOUT 20 OF THESE

That's when I woke up. (Who wouldn't)

This brings me to my main point. I am about to inform you of what is about to take place.

You might think that the crocodile is satan himself, but when in fact it is simply a stand in for a poisonous message of false hope. The people running were faithful followers of the message. Through explosions these people were vaporized for allowing themselves to be misled by a false teacher.
My girlfriend in the dream was not really a girlfriend but a former friend and former cult member trying to warn the people of the false teaching they are under.
The most disturbing aspect was the pending ass-rape. Fortunately for us, this was just a dream, but for many this is a reality of day to day business for members of these cults.I am here to save you from being spiritually raped. But, I need your money in order to do so. You see, heaven on earth will come through my small one bedroom bachelor pad, the love shack as my bible study group calls it, since the very essence of our message is all about spreading love. Anyway, when heaven arrives in the final days and wipes out the heathen christians and godless Jews and Muslims, a new government will be made, right here in Dover. 

You need me to protect you and save you from being vaporized. You are only protected when I am comfortable, and I am only comfortable when my bills are paid, with a little extra.
So please, do your part and don't be cheap. Together we can be friends and benefit.

You Want What I Have

Pastor Mike

There is little I like to talk about other than myself.  The ladies flock to me, my teen girls bible study are always at my feet, studying.  When I speak people quiver.  But it really isn't my fantastic looks, nor my stylish clothing.  Sure, I wear the best cologne, but even that isn't why I am so popular.  Want to know how I do it?

MY MINIONS

Each of my congregants are special to me.  Frankly, without them I couldn't live a wonderful lifestyle.  I think of it as more of a reward for being one of God's favorite.  On the other hand, without me my congregation would be lost and headed straight to the pit of hell.  Let's just admit this and get it out right off the bat; Satan is getting way more souls than he needs to.  Every christian denomination is keeping the gates of hell well crowded.  To think that all the Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, and Catholics have premier access and front row seating for the eternal fire, but most christian denominations have to wait in line?  What's up with that?

YOUR FATE

Think about this for a minute: God loves you and all his creation so much, that he has allowed a select few to accept a very narrow, very exclusive free gift.  With that offer of love, you'd have to wonder why more people don't accept it before being vomited out of that same loving God's mouth into a burning, molten, pit of lava where you will never, ever be fully consumed.  In essence, thousands upon millions upon billions of years would pass and God will continue to let you burn.  

If that doesn't reveal the amount of love God has for you, nothing does!

Despite this "hell" having no basis in the Old Testament, nor any implication that God would torture his creation like that, we have to turn to the New Testament and other added letters and doctrines.  Nothing speaks truth more than taking the word from our great founding fathers of our faith!
It is this succession of wondrous apostles, bishops, deacons, and elders that I get my anointing.  So, when I tell you to leave that flea-bag so-called church you attend and come to mine, I mean it.  You can't possibly be saved in that heathenish place. Besides, I'm much better to look at, especially when I am pouring sweat and tear my shirt off like Hulk Hogan.  Man, I get so angry at the devil, that I often challenge him to a match right there in front of the pulpit.  HE NEVER SHOWS UP!

SATAN

You see, the devil fears me.  He runs scared.  He ain't got nothin' on this anointed, fire baptized, tongue talking preacher.  When you become a Gold Level™ Tither to my ministry we are able to provide you with the certificate you need to be sure of your salvation.  All membership details are covered at our stellar world wide web ministry website at www.freefromcults.com.
Join me and my ministry team and help us defeat old Lucifer today!

Take a Knee

If there are two things we True Christians™ fail to do is: 1) sell our belongings (yeah right), and 2) witness effectively. We are certainly not going to sell our stuff that we worked so hard for. I mean, it's ours. What is a poor bum going to do with an iPad or Bluetooth Headphones? They don't have electricity on the sidewalks!


We can learn how to witness effectively, however. Let us not think of "taking a knee" in the terms of American Football, but learn something from our mission field. I love mission trips to Las Vegas and other fun places, especially where Hookers For Jesus have set up shop. Talking about taking a knee! Nothing is more humbling than kneeling, and when you can witness doing it, then even better.
Mark Driscoll, founding pastor of the wildly popular Seattle mega-church Mars Hill Church, has an idea. Get this, wives can effectively witness to their heathen husbands using oral sex! Oh, it's no joke. Check out our link:
http://truetwistianity.blogspot.com/2012/03/church-of-sex.html
Now, many believe this act is unholy, but as we all know in the back of our mind, Mary Magdeline was in the habit of kneeling worship. As a matter of fact, it has been reported that Jesus was rather fond of the Lip Service, especially when Mary was in charge of orating the service.
Effective witnessing must take place outside the box, and Pastor Driscoll is onto something. When Pastor Mike leads his teen-girl Bible Study group, he often trains his girls in this type of technique. It is time, however, to take this teaching to the streets. Why limit this effective act upon one person? What about that unsaved boyfriend? I'm sure that waiter is destined for eternal hell, but maybe you can intercede!

Whoa! Hold it there, son! That's our leader and he is already saved. But don't fret young man, he has work for you in the local diocese.
The point here is to be as humble as possible to each male member you encounter. Think of the souls that will be saved. Think of the treasures you'll be building up for yourself.
Take a knee for Jesus. He's counting on you!

~Pastor Mike


www.freefromcults.com